artistic_hope

11:26 pm: Ei
Stealing from a someone else's similar quote: My stomach is trying to leave my body. Right now is the first time that quote has no truth for me. I've been sick since late Saturday evening. Woke up Sunday a little ick, but within thirty minutes while driving in my car everything hit. I went to work this morning and had to leave less then an hour later. I am normally the type of person that if I can tough it out to make it to work, I will tough it out until the end...but this morning was not pretty.

I am happy to be feeling fuctional again.

11:30 pm: Lost
I needed/wished for something tonight and when I tried to get it, it was lost. Sometimes it is better to just do things alone. There were some options given to me....

06:53 am: Done
I am done. I have nothing left in me right now. I don't want to fight, I don't want to care, I don't want to cry. What started as blunt honesty got twisted and pulled becoming exaggerated lies. I have become insanely honest, probably more blunt and honest then I should be, but I am tired of drama and games.
I am just tired.

06:18 pm: Easter
Bliss. My mother was out of town all last week and said she wasn't doing Easter dinner, my grandmother is getting older and we see more and more that she doesn't have the time/energy/want to have company over....so....I somehow ended up doing Easter dinner. It happened to fall on my brother's birthday so I doubted he would show, but low and behold he got here first with his girlfriend. It was the first time meeting her. I was a little worried having dinner for 8 people, but it went awesome. The house looks great, Trystan was wonderful, dinner turned out good, and like I said I got to see/hang out/talk with my brother. He doesn't come around much and he's never come over before. It was a good weekend.

Yesterday I surprised Alan and his kayak ame in. He thought we were picking up a package for my Grandmother. It is a birthday gift 4 months early - I want him to be able to take it with us for the trip to Colorado in June. He needs to practice on it before then though, plus it would have been difficult getting it myself. He was shocked, never expected it - success.

Trystan's birthday is coming so fast. almost two years old already. I still can't figure out who he looks like. I see my brother in him sometimes. Other times he doesn't look like me at all. He is quite the talker, good manners, a great eater, and very loving. I love being a mom.

Alan cut off his hair - shoulder length at least. Gave it to locks of love. He's been thinking about it for a while, I don't care what he does with it, but I know that if i keep thinknig about something I won't stop until I try whatever it is....it'll just continue to make me wonder. Plus it can grow back, so he did. He looks good, a few people say it makes him look younger.I like it either way.

06:07 pm: Sex and Mexican food
I only recently have had some time to myself by shear chance actually. Alan has been worknig at his father's once he gets off work and brings Trystan home when he comes so lately I've had an hour or two every day this week to myself. I thought I would see how the world was doing.

Certain things make an imprint on you and never go away. Sometimes I wish they would and other times I want to bathe it in until my body goes numb.

I just sent out the last of the traveling Christmas presents today - I highly doubt they will make it by Christmas but it was an effort. will se how this year goes....

Trystan is tall, talkative, and happy all the time. I see more of me in him then anyone....he looks like my brother when he was little at times. He's amazing.. though every mother is bias i know.

I have a new job at the Kansas City Cancer Center - great for what I need right now.
My brother in law just got accepted as a firefighter in Austin, TX.
Alan is now an iron worker.

There is a bit of an update at least - I'm not sure how long these affairs to myself are going to last, but i wanted to use the time that I had.

05:23 pm: It's been awhile....
Anyways....
I'm not going to attempt to fill in all the time that has past since my last post, but as for the current..
Trystan is doing great. He has an obsession with his "Jumperoo" - a bungee swing with a frame - he can't get enough of it and goes nuts. He's growing fast: 14 lbs. 11 oz., 25.5 inches long. He already has his Tigger halloween costume.

As far as the rest of life - we are still looking into buying a house. The major problem is the Alan has no credit...at all... and the job, and I have the credit, but my job doesn't pay. So we're figuring things out. I've finally managed to plan a trip back to CT and stick with the plan. Thanksgiving this year will be spent with my grandmother and cousins. My dear friend of 20 years now will be back in town from college so seeing her will finish of the much needed visit. It's been far too long and I've been yearning to get back out there since I graduated, plus my grandmother would like to see her Great Grandson.

KCRF was decent - the last weekend was hellish on the count of our partner being an ass.... the end of this run ended the partnership. A long story short... well it's not a novel at least: Bob (partner from CA) bought a bunch of rocks while in town, about 1000 lbs. he couldn't take it back so we were going to store it - no problem, and ship it to him box by box. The problem: he told us we were going to bring 2 boxes full on the plane when we made the annual trip to the Tucson Gem show and saw him in Feb. I immediately said hell no (smiling, as we were all laughing at the time) and explained that with a baby coming along we would have a carseat and most likely stroller to worry about not counting our suitcases. Well, he got pissed threated to kick us out of the booth next year and refused to speak for the remainder of the day. That was Saturday, on Sunday he calls Alan before we head out (of the campsite) and since it had sprinkled he said that Trystan and I should stay home. Alan then said it being the last day of faire he would need me to help pack up and that there had been far worse weathered days when Bob was gone - the baby had been fine. So we head out and upon seeing me he yells that he's the boss and if he says to do something then we had better do it. Alan took offense considering all we've had to do for him.... not being paid .... and him threating to throw us out like a drop of the hat. The day was spent with Bob bitching to ALan and yelling at me when I was around, in general being a dick. I tried to avoid Bob and for the last 4 hours of the day went no where near the booth. After we packed up everything after show Bob said to Alan "We'll do it all again next year".... Alan refuses.
Thus is the end of this years bullshit faire drama.

I guess my timing is perfect the baby is stirring.....

10:11 pm: Children in the Modern World
Thanks to a friend very dear to my heart, someone I have lost track of over the years and feel like soon I will get a little piece of her back.....I have been bubbling with desire to write... bare with me:

What ever happened to children having an imagination? I can't stand the idea, no I hate the idea of children having televisions in their room, and video games in their room. No one ever just goes outside and plays until dark. That is how I spent my childhood.... outside with the other kids in the neighborhood playing until it's dark or until my mother came out on the porch and called us in. I remember hours of riding my bike. As crazy as this may sound, my brother, my sister, and I used to chase after the trash truck every Saturday morning in CT with our walkie-talkies..... hey, to a 6,9, and 10 year old it was fun and hard to keep up. My "niece and nephew" in my opinion, are spoiled by the electronic babysitter. I have never seen them go outside and throw a ball, play in the dirt, or just run around. It's insane to think of a childhood primarily spent indoors.

I know things are different now a days by my family used to be in charge of the Sunday paper route. Each of us kids, used to have specific houses we got to deliver to... not all of them were hand picked but if there was a house we wanted to claim we got it..... hehe, most of the houses I chose of course had dogs out in the yard, or one I remember had hundreds of stairs leading up to the front door....I look back now and know that there were maybe 20 steps. I loved that paper route, I loved walking to the mini-store down the street and getting a 10 cent popcicle, I loved walking with my mother after kindergarden (while waiting for my brother and sister to get out) and occassionally she would get me a scratch ticket which I thought were bought only for the scratching.... not realizing you could win something.

I have a son, and now more then ever I realize just how many family values I have and wish to give to him. Many will think I'm being ridiculous, but I see more and more people who would rather sit inside an airconditioned house/porch rather then taking 10 steps and relaxing a chair in a park or on a lawn with a good book. I'm not saying every person who played video games as a child grew up living as a hermit, it is just that I can't imagine a childhood without a love of nature, trees, and adventures without anyone putting the picture in your head but yourself.

10:06 pm: I finally got some new pictures of Trystan posted in my MySpace.

Everything is going good. I stay busy - obviously. I just finished a county faire where we sold our jewelry, did great, Trystan spent the days outside at teh faire with me while Alan was at work. It's been hectic. We had to bust ass making stock for this show and now that it is over we have KCRF in less then a month... so now we have to make stock for the 7 weekends of that show..... ei. But the goal is to buy a house within the next year, so KCRF will help out a lot.

Well, just wanted to update... say something.

09:49 pm: "So, um yeah...."
I have a fantastic son, doesn't cry a lot, sleeps at night, is adorable....

All is well. My 6 week follow up turned out great, everything looks good, and I'm starting Depo next Friday.

Trystan has already gained two pounds and grown a little over one inch in length. I get a good six hours without him needing to be fed and he seems to enjoy our daily walks. Thursday we're going to Shakespeare in the Park and this next weekend we're off to the Colorado Festival. Alan used to work it and I've never been. It'll be a good trip - a ten hour drive.

Lifes good

07:58 pm: Trystan's travel
As of right now as long as I continue to heal then Trystan and I will make the trip to the Oklahoma faire on the last weekend. Hell he could go this weekend, but my body can't.
Fourth weekend it is.........

07:38 pm: An update for the record books - my heart shaped uterus
May 6 & 7 I was in Oklahoma at the Ren. Fest there and was having pains all weekend... I figured they were braxton hicks (however it is spelled) considering I was getting to that point in my pregnancy. I got a grand total of maybe 7 hours of sleep all weekend. Monday I couldn't sleep because of the pain and at 11a.m. get ready to drive Alan to work. I notice the pains aren't 2-3 every hour anymore like most of the weekend had been but instead every half hour. Within the 30 minute drive ot his work I realize I have experienced 3 contractions....every ten minutes basically. I drop him off (having convinced him they were pre-labor pains) and then proceed to drive home grinding my teeth and gripping the steering wheel with every one I get. I start writing the time I get them as well - now every 5 -6 minutes exactly. I call my doctor and make an appointment. Between contractions I was fine, no pain, calm the whole time...still believing it was Braxton Hicks and trying to mentally prepare myself thinking labor must be much more painful. By the time I get to the doctors office it is 12:50p.m. and they are 2-3 minutes apart. I sit there waiting 7 minutes.... which seemed like a long time.... get in, see the midwife that has been with me at all the visits... she decides to check me first before making me do the mandatory urine test.... and what does she find.... I am 8 cm dialated!!.....I could not believe it. I could not believe I was in labor, I had convinced myself it wasn't labor. It was 5 weeks too soon. She also tells me that she felt either toes or fingers and they need to know which. I go to the ultrasound room and we discover the baby is breached (butt first). I am told to get dressed and grab my things because they were grabbing a wheelchair to wheel me across the street (the hospital is conveniently located there) for an emergency c-section. This entire time Jill, my midwife, is telling me that I am amazingly calm and no matter what not to push. As I am in route I call Alan and then my mother, hitting myself for having dropped him off just before. They rush me in, strip me and set-up an IV while scrambling to get an operating room available. All this while I am hoping someone makes it to the hospital. I am then taken to the O.R. given an epidural for the c-section I was hoping wouldn't need ot happen. Right as they cut into me my mother arrives and right after the baby is taken out Alan arrives.

Trystan James was born at 1:51p.m. Weighing in at 6 lbs. 2 oz. (thank god big babies run in the family or else I fear he wouldn't have looked as good) and he was absolutely healthy.

I find out that I have a heart shaped uterus - it's a little hard to explain, but the baby's head got stuck in one of those curves since there wasn't enough room up there for his lower body he couldn't turn - hence breached. I will most likely never carry a baby to full term and there is a 95% chance the baby will always be breached. They said this pregnancy was very lucky without knowing about my uterus.

I spent a day stuck in a hospital bed, and 2 more days with incredible pain needing drugs every 6 hours and feeling like I was learning to walk all over again. But Trystan got to spend everynight in my room - and things went as they should. I left the hospital Thur. unable to drive for two weeks and unable to go up/down stairs. :o l~

So here I am....slight pain still lingers. I no longer have to make people fetch me things I need, or bring me food. Trystan is wonderful, sleeps through the night I have to wake him up to feed him every 3 hours. He has the typically premie issues/characteristics, but rarely cries (for now).

Everything has happened so fast and to see him here at times is still unbelievable that he came from me, and just in time for mother's day.

I apologize for any crazy spelling, it's been a long week or so. Now that the update is done, for those I didn't call I am sorry. I'm a bit scrambled - forgive me. I am going to rest while I have some spare time.

02:49 pm: baby

04:41 pm: Ei. The boxes from ebay have just about stopped. Between the things I have gotten and the loads of other people's it feels as if there is a box every other day sitting on the door step. Gotta stay away from ebay.


We got our new RazrV3 phones and I signed my new phone plan. So far its great. The wireless headset was the main thing - it was discussed about the convience of it once the baby is here. No wire/cord to pull, no phone to hold. I did a family plan and added a line for my mother - again mainly started for the baby. She willl be taking more college classes this summer, so this way when I go to the hospital we can contact her.

Alan said he stayed awake for an hour after I fell asleep because as he was leaning against me the baby started kicking big time. So he just sat there talking and touching my stomach. I had no idea at the time, but I thought it was cute.

12:38 pm: 3 month count down
I found my love and passion for the violin hiding under dust the other day. I wasn't playing it nearly as much as I would like to. I played it quite a bit, mainly when alone, while in Oklahoma. The year following that not as much, and then lately it was maybe once a month for a few hours. Now I am back to playing once a day for a good hour minimum. :o) I have missed it.

The crib is slowly getting finished as the weather allows. I'm making progress though - most of the paint is stripped off and the wood underneath looks like it will clean up well. My mother is slowing down with all the baby shoppping. There are a few things leaking in, but she stopped coming home with bags and the packages in the mail are down to 1-2 every two weeks. I got registered at Babies-R-Us and soon hopefully Target as well. A baby shower is in the making I am told. I finally decided how I wanted to handle the different religion in the family as well as what I would like as far as a blessing. There is a man, I believe he's a Shaman, that I am going to ask just to do a spiritual blessing - no specified religion. This way Alan's family (mainly his mother) and esspecially my father and that whole side of the family will be satisfied and its what I would like to do as well. Afterwards a cook-out/BBQ is planned...... everything really feels like it is on schedule. What needs to get done is getting done. I have fabric that matches Alan's kilt (he only reminded me of it everyday) so the two of them can match come Colorado faire. Shortly after that KCRF is up and running as well. A lot is happening this year.

12:47 pm: The trip to Muskogee wasn't as uneventful as I predicted it to be. The friday drive up was pleasant - stopping at a good handful of antique shops. I ended up with a small bag of good finds to show for it. I wasn't quite sure how I would spend the time during academy - not being a part of this year's faire. But I enjoyed the talks with friends, the little chats here and there. I didn't expect so many people to say that I was an attractive pregnant woman.
I had an uncomfortable and thought filled lack of sleep both nights there, so the drive back Sunday I had to fight to keep my eyes open. I don't like sleeping on a car ride when I know that the other person driving is just as exhausted or tired as I.
Nicoli gave me a bag of baby boy clothes that are adorable and a stitch plush doll with removable finger puppets. Alan really got a kick out of Stitch. I was still smiling at how small the socks were. :o)

Monday was my two week Doctor appt. - passed with flying colors when it came to my hemogolbin/glucose test, which I was happy to hear. I offically started the third trimester - 3 months to go.

12:56 pm: I got a new cell phone number. Finally got rid of my Oklahoma area code. (913)972-0000

04:25 pm: Surprise
So I had another doctor appointment, asked them if I could get the sex checked one more time because the nurse was a little hesitant the last time..... well...
ITS A BOY! Not girl. I'm still a little shocked, for two months I've been thinking was a girl. We didn't buy too much girly things, thank god, but as far as names go, we had stopped thinking of boys names and hadn't even really settled on favorites.... so we are back to having a blank slate. What a day it has been.

01:18 pm: I've been under the weather lately... kind of sucks. But I have been productive, I finished one of the baby blankets I've been working on and am working on the 2nd. Time is flying it seems. There is only one week left of this month, I feel like i am trying to catch up. Alan's sister-in-law is planning a baby shower for me... though it sounds more like a child's birthday party, or silly bachelorette party rather then a shower. She has several insanely goofy things planned, wanting to play games and have a hawaiian theme. Saying there will be grass skirts and a crown and....bleh. So I've been trying to politely eliminate some of its factors.

Also, yesterday we come to find out that Alan's oldest bother Wayne...is having another child (though his son is living with Alan's mother because Wayne can't afford to take care of him.......). that brings our pregnant friend list to:
- Me June 13
- Paul & wife June 17
- Wayne (bro.)&Shea middle June to middle July
- Eric (bro.)&Lisa July 17
- Brittany October

Alan's poor mother has 6 sons (counting Alan and his twin).... and three of them are having kids within 1 month of each other.

**Random knowledge: While pregnant if measuring from your pelvic bone to the top of your uterus, it should equal the same number of cm as you are in weeks. Hence... 24 weeks pregnant = 24 cm belly when lying back.
Exciting I know :P

07:45 pm: Over Due News.....
So...
I desperately wanted to get back into doing Muskogee Faire and had every intention to do so. i was determined to make it work because it's a hobby I love and well nothing was really holding me back from it so why not..... well some things are uncontrollable in a sense, but welcomed. Donald & Co. made the trip to the Kansas City Renaissance Festival and I told him I was very interested in working with RG at the faire this year and was hoping to do so. Well Almost exactly one month after stated my intentions to work it I found out I was pregnant. So there it is.... my reason for not doing faire, come May I will be less then a month away from giving birth.
Different people's beliefs and religions say different things about having children - mainly about children out of wedlock and abortions. Well I don't have any religious restrictions and I chose to have this baby. I am a little over 5 months pregnant and am insanely excited. I waited this long to say anything to a mass group (post it) because it needed to settle in with people closer to home. Half of my family is Catholic so their reactions were anything but happiness at first. I wanted to get them a little more comfortable with it before telling people around us who might bring it up in conversation. I wanted to give them some time to take it in. If that makes any sense.
I am at the place where I can handle a child, and am willing to raise one. I didn't want to make a decision that ever made me wonder. People constantly remark about not being about to go out anymore, nights out on the town. I'm not a big weekend party animal, actually that is pretty rare. I don't go out every Friday and Saturday. Most of the time I am home relaxing with a movie. Sad events of the past have emphasized that children are meant to be treasured as much as possible.

Now you can take this one of two ways: shock/disapproval/lack of faith/back talk or shock/understanding/happiness. Either way I wished you all to know.

Currently it is said to be a girl. You never know though. Doctors have said that before and been wrong. My due date is June 13. I have a pretty good size tummy showing and just this past week I started feeling her move. There are a few names we are throwing around. We have settled twice now on a name. The first one lasted 3 1/2 months so we will see how this one holds up.

By the way.. the "we" is Alan and I. Alan some of you have heard of before, some have met. We've been good friends for 6 years now and I dated him on and off from 2001 - 2003. Right before KCRF everything seemed to finally fit into place for us. So, here we are. He was immediately excited about having a baby, and no we are not now rushing to get married. Some day... but there is no point in getting married except to please other people and make them feel comfortable with the pregnancy.... I just don't care enough.

Anyways....yeah.

12:53 pm: Time is flying. It seems like days turn instantly into night. The only way to realize how much time has truely pasted is to look at what was accomplished for the day. The Tucson, Az gem show is this coming weekend. I am crazy excited. Since I was 16, even after I moved, every year at some point in time I would meet up with Alan and he would show me all the gemstones and beads he bought while out there for a week. A few times he has surprised me by buying my favorite stone and making some piece of jewelry out of it. I've been looking forward to this for quite a while.